Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come