Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I would like even faster food.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.