For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Miscakes
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.