My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Had an epiphany today.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]