nice challenge
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Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
yeah 😭
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
A great tip. #CakeRex
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows