I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Webb. James Webb.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
j o i m p
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Breaking news:
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.