My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Just me and my debit card against the world
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun