mood
You Might Also Like
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.