I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
You Might Also Like
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Good advice.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Need WebMD
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.