Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Ghost costume 😂
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Writing, She Murdered.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?