“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
You Might Also Like
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.