New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion