*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
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My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times