JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
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Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
#oldknees
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.