Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺