All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
🤣😈🤣
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.