doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body