Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
You Might Also Like
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
こいつ天才
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get