Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
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Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”