This kid is going places
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Boom, boom, ching!
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too