4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Kermit goes Blue.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”