If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
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My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I laughed at this way too hard.