A new level of troll.
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The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.