My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn鈥檛 cook and neither can I.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃榿馃榿馃ぃ馃ぃ
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.