Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.