My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
a god among men
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Sharon, call the vet
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
“I FIXED IT!”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert