I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
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If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
handsome & gretel
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.