Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
You Might Also Like
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.