Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body