Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.