You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Flock of bats
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.