It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
A man of commitment.