me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.