The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
#Caturday
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.