Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
LA today:
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.