[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
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“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I feel it
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift