flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?