I feel seen.
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ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.