Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I feel seen
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.