*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
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If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Important
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.