This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
A wise man once said nothing.
Venn
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava