A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
We all have our pet causes.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song