If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
i want to work in this restaurant
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”