just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind: