My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea