her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?