Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Canadian owl: Eh?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe