Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
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[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself