In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
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Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.