I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Oh the world we live in…
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other